party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
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It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
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Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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