My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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