So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
