o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
