So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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