Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
