I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
