dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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