On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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