I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
