I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
