So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
