Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
