My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
