where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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