Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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