The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
