You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
