I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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