In the future we'll all be gay
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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