It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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