I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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