He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
