glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling