Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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