Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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