he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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