Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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