one word: firstdatebathroomanal
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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