six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
