More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
In other news, I just burned my penis
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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