im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
