I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
