i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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