I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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