my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
