I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
