its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
