I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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