remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
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Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
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I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
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