I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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