He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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