Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
