Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
