If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
