$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
