I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
