happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
they're like a gay fantastic four
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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