We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
