Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
organizing the empties. That sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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