Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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