Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
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Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
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So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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