that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
