I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
