; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
