I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
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