i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
