you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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