I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
