He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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