I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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